In the Beginning

It started April, 2006 as I was dog-sitting at my daughter Michelle's house.  I was reading a book and had an "itch" on my upper left breast.  I reached down to rub it and felt a lump.  Immediately, my stomach churned and I could feel the blood leave my head.  No .... can't be.  It will go away, it's nothing. I started praying immediately for God to make it go away.  At times it did seem to go away.  Sometimes I could feel it and sometimes not.  Sometimes it felt smaller.  I didn't do anything about that lump until September 2010.  For 4 1/2 years I kept it a secret.  I justified it in my head with "well, I feel fine" or "if it doesn't get bigger in a year (then 2, then 3, then 4), it can't be cancer.  My outlook on life changed ... I looked at every holiday, birthday, vacation, etc. as "this may be my last".  I worried that an accident would happen or I would get sick and have to go to the hospital or doctor and they would discover the lump.  I felt myself being stressed about it more and more often and I continually prayed and bartered with God.     Finally, on September 27th while I was staying with my daughter Erin, when I went to bed, I prayed.  "God, I can't do this anymore ... I give this to you.  Show me what to do."  The next morning I talked to Tom who said I should stop at Wal Mart on the way home and pick up some cat food.  I said  I would and still had no intention of saying anything to anyone.  Well, God had other plans.  I went upstairs and Erin asked if I would like to take Jack home with me for a couple of days so he could get his "nana time".  I immediately burst into tears.  Erin asked what was wrong and I blurted out, "I have a lump!"  I didn't say those words ... God pushed them out of my mouth. 

Erin immediately went into action.  We made a dr. appointment with her doctor in the cities and by that afternoon, I was facing my worst fears.  Michelle dropped everything at work and came to Erin's and the two of them accompanied me to the appointment.  My doctor called down to Region's Hospital and late afternoon, I had a mammogram, ultrasound and biopsy.  When I went into the mammogram, the nurse asked me how I was doing and I started crying.  She gave me time to compose myself and then we proceeded with the tests.  By the time I had the biopsy, I had much time to talk to God.  The doctor left the room to get the biopsys to pathology and when she returned, she said "I don't know what happened from the time you came in here to now, but you seem so at peace."  God's love and peace was visible!!!!! Tom came down to the cities as fast as he could.  Now for the waiting. 

On Wednesday I got the call that the breast was cancerous.  I felt the gambit of emotions!!  I cried, I was angry, I wanted to scream, cry and curl up in a ball at the same time.  I wanted to know why I would win this lottery (8 in 1 chance of developing breast cancer).  The radiologist set up a CT/PET scan, an MRI and bloodwork for Friday.  Tom and I drove home to Cloquet on Wednesday night.  All the way home, I was trying to process what was happening.  I continued to pray ..... constantly.  When we reached our home in Cloquet, it started to rain.  When I went to get out of the car, there was the most beautiful DOUBLE rainbow in the sky.  I immediately started crying .... to me that was God's way of saying "it's going to be all right, I promise."  God used a rainbow for a promise with Noah, why not with me?

On Thursday, we drove down to the cities again and Friday morning Tom, Wendy and Erin accompanied me to the scans.  I went through the scans and faced more fears.  But with God at my side, all the kind people at Regions and the support of my family, my fears were squelched quickly.  Tom and I drove back home to Cloquet.  I had just walked into the house and the phone was ringing.  It was the radiologist and she wanted me to get a biopsy on a lymph node that was "suspect" and tell me the time of my appointment with the oncologist on Monday.  My heart sank again ... the whole gambit of emotions again.  Tom just held me and let me cry.  We cried together and held each other tight.

Saturday morning we awoke to the phone ringing.  I ran down the stairs and it was Erin.  I answered the phone and she said,  "are you ready for some good news?"  And I said I sure could use some.  She said the oncologist had called her (her name was first on the contact list) and said that after looking at the MRI and PET scans and that the cancer was confined to the left breast and not anywhere else in my body. He didn't want me to worry about the results for the whole weekend.  I hung up the phone and shouted thanksgiving to God and ran up the stairs to jump for joy into Tom's arms.  Later that morning, Wendy, Kevin, Erin and Jake came to Cloquet.  The guys worked on the new fence and Wendy and Erin took me to Duluth for a haircut and eyebrow wax.  Wendy even cut her hair into a pixie cut so I wouldn't be the only one with short hair (or no hair when the chemo starts).  They also bought breast cancer t-shirts for themselves, me and Michelle and Lori.

On Monday a.m., Tom, Michelle, Lori, Erin and Wendy and I (us girls with a show of support were wearing our t-shirts) went to meet with the oncologist.  He explained everything so well and everyone got their questions asked and explained to them.  I chose to have a masectomy on the left breast and possibly take out the suspect lymph node at the same time.  The surgery will be followed with chemotherapy (2-5 months) and radiation (33 days, M-Fr for 6 1/2 weeks) and estrogen-blocking drugs for 5 years after that.  Things were looking bright!!!  I had hope!!  Thank you God.  I had to go back to radiology for a biopsy on the suspect lymph node.  After that, it was back to the waiting game.

Today, Tuesday, October 5, 2010 at 4:00 p.m., the pathologist called with the news that there was no cancer in the lymph node!!!!!  Oh my gosh ........................ God is good.  I feel like I'm a walking miracle.  Tomorrow we meet with the surgeon and hopefully, we'll know more about treatment.  Like, how long chemo will have to be, etc. 

I think God has a plan for me ........... I better listen carefully ............ I want to do and be who God wants me to be.